Playing Parents

This is a fairly popular image. Pardon my stealing it.

Teo has been absent because he welcomed a brand new gold farmer / raid hunter into the world at 6PM last night. (She'll be a blood elf, of course, unless she rolls undead. But the statistics say elf.)

I'm sure one of us will take advantage of this ready audience and post a photo when photos are available. Hi baby Elsa Shu-Yi!

So, in honor of real life children, I talked to a few of my guild's parents about dual-boxing Life and WoW.

Five out of my five polled parents said the biggest change is time. They have to focus hard on managing time and juggling availability.

Stay-at-home mom Kristina says she only plays when her children are at school, napping, or catching up on their cartoons -- otherwise, she makes sure her husband is with them when she's planned an in-game activity. Single mom Tara gives her girls extra love, like going to the movies, so she's not just consumed by the game -- she works hard to get them settled with their own entertainments (or bed) if she has to raid. Daddy Rich actually took advice from Teo and only plays when his little girl is in bed or having quality time with mommy. He says "your playtime will be cut, and there's nothing you can do about it."

Keale plays after he's already spent time with his kids, and Eric has to coordinate every moment of his in-game time and even does his chores for the day when both his kids and his guild friends are in bed so he can squeeze every last drop out of both worlds.

Most of these parents have trouble scheduling things or doing spur-of-the-moment activities because they know they might have to run away in the middle. Over half told stories about fleeing to take care of something and coming back to the game to find a corpse. (Kristina's 5-year-old loves to announce when her mom is being attacked even when it's Kristina attacking the mob.) From the stories they told, apparently having kids makes you look like a huge noob, but it's just something you have to roll with.

Being a playing parent can strain guild relations if you're not with people who understand the whole "real life is important too" deal. Tara remembers when she got to a ZG raid 15 minutes late, only 2 minutes after they'd removed her, because she had to finish giving her girls their bath (they'd known the reason, and one guy had stood up for her since they were only on trash). Their response was harsh when she spoke up: "Because I said anything at all they gkicked me."

Eric had a more encouraging (though grosser) story: He had to go afk suddenly because his little daughter got out of bed and "used the floor as a potty." He said the raid understood and gave him the time to go clean.

Four out of five of the parents polled would let their children play WoW if they wanted, though the dads are a lot more nervous about it. Rich would be watching his little girl "like a hawk" and Eric would try to prevent his kids from playing as much as he does. Keale won't let his kids play at all, not even for the excuse of spending time together in-game: "After sitting back and noticing the time needed to play the game and how easy it is to lose 3 hours of time I will not let my children play. [It's] too much of an addiction."

In contrast, the women already let their girls play on their accounts (though there has been some trouble with the reading aspect of the game). Kristina's 5-year-old already talks like a pro, saying how she wants to play her rogue or DK, and now that Tara's kids are older she's thinking about getting them their own PC and account so they can play with her (she hopes IVV will welcome them like it welcomed her).

All of these parents said WoW gave them a great way to relieve stress from their day, but their kids always come first. It might rack up their repair bills and make them look inept in the middle of pugs, but I think Rich said it best: kids are "a great excuse to get away from the game and explore the real world."

So here's to parents and their RL quest chain: Children.

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Beth Blevins is a former officer in In Vino Veritas.

She's a writer, artist and avid blogger.

Beth's been married since her junior year of college.

Guest Post: How I Came to Be in A Family Guild

As you've probably read in one of Beth's earlier posts, IVV started when a group of in-game friends got together to form a guild and began to recruit from their personal network of real-life friends. I am not one of these "real life" friends. How did I get into the guild, you might ask? It all started one day when I was a level forty-something noob…

I had a couple of real life friends who played, but for the most part I played alone. As time passed, I began to desire a group of people I could be friends with and possibly learn a thing or two from. In my time leveling I had seen a lot of different guild titles roaming about and even run an instance or two with a number of them, but still had no idea which to join. I did some google research and read about a few of the more prominent guilds, most of which seemed to be full of seasoned raiders. I felt those sorts of people would probably not want to deal with someone as inexperienced as myself.

Then one day I stumbled upon a guild called In Vino Veritas. I read their website and found that they called themselves a "family guild" but also raided. I had seen a lot of people from this guild running around so I figured I'd try to join up... there was a catch. First, I had to know someone in the guild and have them recommend me. I didn't know anyone in the guild, so I went to Orgrimmar and waited until I saw one of them.

The first person I messaged told me that, "Yeah, IVV was a cool guild but you had to know someone to get in." I asked him if maybe I could do an instance or something with him so he could see that I was not such a bad guy, but he told me he was already on his way to do something. So I waited until I saw the next IVV member. He was around my level so I asked him if he wanted to run something together and he agreed. While we were flying to whatever instance we were going to run I asked him to tell me more about IVV. He told me that everyone was really cool and, after I explained to him what I was looking for in a guild, said that he would definitely recommend me for membership.

I filled out my application and eagerly waited for a response from the "recruitment princess." After a couple of days she informed me that there was another Zachery Taylor (nickname "Z") in the guild who had a sister named Leah, which is the name of my wife. Because of the other Z's prominence in the guild, I became known as "Z2" or "Artoozeetoo." It all seemed too strange to be a coincidence and the guild had originally thought my application to be a joke by Z. When they realized I was for real I was invited to join the guild.

In real life I'm a pretty shy person until I get to know someone and this trait carried over into the game. For a while I kept leveling and never really said much in gchat, but I read the forums and read a lot about other members, trying to find common interests so that I could start to form relationships. I saw that a lot of members had facebook pages so I started a facebook group for people in the guild and began talking to a few people that way.

One day while reading the forums I saw that the guild was going to start doing "Hug a Lowbie Night" so I signed up to go, figuring I could get to know some folks better and hopefully learn a thing or two about gameplay. I went on a few of these runs and became friends with a Warrior and a Priest in the guild. Around this time a section of the forum was created for members to make threads about themselves. I figured it would be a good idea for me to make a thread so the people whom I had been reading about could read a bit about me.

Another way I made friends with people in the guild was by speaking to them in whispers. Sometimes someone would express a hardship they were experiencing and I would send them an encouraging word or people would express things they had accomplished and I would send them a congratulatory message. I would also talk to people about similar outside interests, through which I met a Rogue who shares my love of Star Wars. Now we constantly hijack forum threads by changing the subject to Star Wars.

During this time I was still in the fifties and sixties trying to make my way up to level seventy. I had been making increasing numbers of friends in the guild and began building personal relationships with them in-game and sometimes outside the game via facebook or AIM chat. I tried my best not to have to ask for a lot of help or to force people to go out of their way, but I was eager to learn. I ended up befriending a fellow Warlock who now plays a Paladin while discussing ways to become a better Lock. It wasn't until I hit level seventy that I began a lot of in game interaction with my guildies outside of guild chat.

I hit seventy only a week or two before Wrath of the Lich King came out, so after a week of running Burning Crusade heroics I started the long grind to eighty. At level eighty I became acquainted with other people I had not gotten a chance to talk to before through running heroic instances and communicating through Ventrilo. It was during this time that people really started helping me and giving me advice on things I didn't know a whole lot about. It was this way that I befriended another warlock in the guild who showed me how to improve my DPS from mediocre to the competitive numbers I post today.

That is the history of how I became involved with the guild known as In Vino Veritas. The moral of the story is that in order to truly become part of a family guild you have to have more than just a common interest in the game or loot, you have to have an interest in the people who you are playing with. I enjoy playing WoW and I enjoy the proverbial phat l00tz, but more than anything else I enjoy playing a game with people who have become true friends to me.

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Zackery Taylor is a member of In Vino Veritas.
Dr. Zackery Taylor is not a doctor, even though he tells everyone he is. He's an IT manager in Texas who likes comics and kittens.

Schooling the Unskilled

The organist at my church is bad. She hits the right notes and can play more than one line of music simultaneously. The problem is that she lacks rhythm. A song might take twice or half as long depending on whatever interpretation her mind gives to the proper length of a quarter note that week. At first I thought there was a pattern to her madness -- that she was reading the notes consistently but incorrectly. I was wrong, there is no pattern. Her musical "style" is chaos and nearly impossible to sing to... and yet she's still the organist at my church... and has been for nearly twenty years. Why? Not because of her skill, but because of her passion. She genuinely loves playing the organ. She persists under the delusion that if the music were peppier or the songs were more soulful that it would attract more people to the church, never realizing that the problem isn't with the songs, it's with the performer. I've been at the church for over five years now and I still don't have the heart to tell her the truth. She's not a skillful organist, but she's our organist.

Perhaps my description of this rhythmically challenged woman reminds you of someone in your guild. Maybe its their incompetence that stands out, like that raider who still hasn't figured out not to stand in the fire? Or perhaps it's their social ineptitude that sets them apart, like the raid leader who refuses to listen to the advice of others?

Not every member of your guild is as skilled as the next. Some people are equipped to lead, others to follow, some to experiment, others to copy, some to excel, others to lag behind. The danger that presents itself is that we all tend to set ourselves up as the standard by which others ought to be measured. It's an unconscious thing to do... and a very natural thing. We don't think from the perspective of others, we think from the perspective of self. In an end-game raiding guild the standard is generally set by means of availability and numbers. This mean if you can raid and you keep up with the rest of the guild, you keep your spot. If not, you're gone. Family guilds operate on a different principle and are therefore more likely to encounter players who, like my organist, just don't pick up on certain things.

I would rather have my rhythmless organist than a paid professional because my organist isn't just doing a job, she's a valued part of the church community. Likewise, I'd rather have one friendly but underskilled player in my guild than a dozen of the rude and elitist "pro" players who spend their time boasting and putting down everyone else. Family guilds don't build upon "skillz", they build upon community. Start with the right foundation and the building will be the stronger for it. You'd be surprised how skilled someone's mum or little brother can be at a game like WoW with the right guidance.

Before you run off to save the world, ask yourself these simple questions. Does the person realize that there is a problem? You can't fix a problem if you don't realize there is one and offers of assitance are more likely to be viewed as insults by someone who doesn't realize they're making mistakes. Does the person care? If they care then they will be open to constructive criticism and will work to improve. People who don't want to better themselves are not worthwhile investments for your time and energy. Lastly, if the answers to the first two questions are "no" you have to ask yourself whether this person is worth having around in spite of these flaws? In the case of my organist the church has said "yes." There are some other cases where I have said "no." There's a world of difference between a true and loyal guild member and someone who merely provides a warm body.

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Jon Blevins is an officer of In Vino Veritas.

He's a pastor, husband, gamer and Miles Davis fan.

He lives in Minnesota where zamboni is a household word.

Negativity

We discussed this in an officer meeting once, though we never continued the discussion afterward or formed plans of action.

When you say something negative about someone else, even if you're just joking, it gives people who don't know that person a bad impression of them.

Even the smallest and most harmless negative remarks create a negative persona for the subject, a persona that eventually alienates them from your guild. And while there is often truth in negative comments, those same comments can keep a player from improving -- whether it's in attitude, gear, or skill -- by ostracizing them from groups when they otherwise might have gotten opportunities to change.

A negative reputation limits player opportunities.

For example, if your worst player has trouble finding groups to learn how to play and practice their rotation, you don't want people going around saying "This player can't tank/heal/dps" because it makes people pass that player by for groups. Which gives them no opportunities to improve. Likewise, an "annoying" player who is excluded from groups (and thus can't interact with others except through guild chat) has no way to learn more appropriate behavior.

If you talk about someone in a negative way, even just to your own personal friends, it limits their chances to change. I'm not saying you personally have to take responsibility for everyone with problems in the guild -- I'm just saying that negativity can only make things worse for people who already have rough circumstances. Thus, it should be avoided.

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Beth Blevins is a former officer in In Vino Veritas.

She's a writer, artist and avid blogger.

Beth's been married since her junior year of college.

Guild Bank Donations

My women's ministry teacher once held up a stained pink baby jumpsuit and a similar outfit she'd found on sale for $1 at WalMart. She asked "Which would you prefer for your own children?"

She set the little outfits down and proceeded to explain that many people leave ruined clothing and broken electronics in charity boxes, using them like guilt free trash cans. She said that the charities end up throwing those items away and do not appreciate getting them.

People use guild banks like that.

Last night, I had two eternals to put in the guild bank: fire and air. These are things my characters don't use. (For those of you who don't know, eternals are an important part of top level crafted gear and enchants.)

I open the guild bank and, like the time a real life friend filled it with cockroaches when he went on hiatus except not half as funny, someone had bloated the deposits tab with level 13-17 rings and necks, the ones you get from leveling jewelcrafting.

Because I'd heard the old guild leader complaining about this sort of thing on our couch between episodes of Veronica Mars, and because I knew it would just end up a headache for the bank officer no matter what the person putting them in had intended (most people don't think of it as malicious, they just think someone might be able to use their junk), I took it upon myself to guilt the offender into never doing it again.

A warlock friend offered to take the items and disenchant them, then return the mats to the bank, and I told him I doubted the guild bank even wanted the mats. The old guild leader (my disenchanter) had glared at me the day before for sending him level 10 greens to disenchant. I figured that meant the officers weren't dying to have Strange Dust in the guild bank.

But it is an interesting issue. People hold on to low level items because someone might need them, and the guild bank seems a logical place for someone to find what they need. But when most of the guild is at the highest levels, then the guild bank needs room for the rarest and most expensive materials, not things you can buy stacks of on the auction house for silver.

Guilds typically have people who put things in but never take anything out and other people who take things out but never put anything in. The result is that we have three black Valentines dresses in the deposits tab and a bunch of Preserved Holly (which I asked for and then distributed among a handful of guildies with the order to use it up).

While it would be possible to start a secondary guild for a bank to hold low level items, I know from our current bank that it would just sit there and molder with things people don't need. The best thing any member can do for his or her guild is to ask in guild chat if anyone needs what you have and then sell, disenchant, or vendor it.

Each individual should be responsible for taking care of his or her own pre-endgame items. Like giving a broken toaster to a charity with the idle thought that they might fix it, you're just adding one more step on its way to the trash.

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Beth Blevins is a former officer in In Vino Veritas.

She's a writer, artist and avid blogger.

Beth's been married since her junior year of college.

Attitude Check: Trust

Family Guilds are founded on relationships. Relationships are built on trust. Without trust a family guild cannot function. I’m not talking about the superficial level of trust that most organizations with a common purpose possess. There’s a fundamental level of trust that hopes the Guild Leader won’t ninja the bank, disband the guild, transfer servers and leave everyone out in the cold. There’s a judicial level of trust that believes that loot will be handed out fairly according to the guild’s rules for loot distribution. I’m talking about something deeper – relational trust. Relational trust requires emotional vulnerability; it requires forming human connections with others. This isn’t always easy to create or maintain in a virtual environment where “real” human interaction is not a requirement. It isn’t easy, but it is necessary for those who would be a “family guild” (as opposed to a “raiding” or “PvP” guild).

Trust on the relational level does not come easily. Trust is not bought or demanded, it is earned and nurtured. Trusting someone requires opening up to that person – becoming vulnerable. In a very real sense, this is the definition of the type of trust we’re seeking. Some people trust easily, some with difficulty. It’s important to recognize the difficulties presented by asking people to trust one another in a setting where there is no ultimate accountability. You cannot force someone to be trusting of the guild, its leaders or its members, but there are certain steps you (as a leader or a member) can take to encourage and foster an atmosphere of trust within your guild. The essence of my advice can be summed up thus: “Trust and you will be trusted.”

First, be willing to take the first step. If you show a willingness to make yourself vulnerable to others by reaching out to them in seeking to either establish or develop a personal relationship you will find them far more likely to open up to you. In doing this you lead by example.

Second, keep your word. If you are going to take the first step you MUST be prepared to follow up. Trust is constantly being built and once broken it can be very difficult to fix. The best and most powerful way to foster trust is simply to keep your promises. It’s much easier to trust someone who is reliable and honest.

Third, praise and reward trust in others. Encourage trust among all members not only by being a leader yourself but by pointing out and praising acts of trust and relationship-building in others. Our guild makes a point never to neglect someone who is making a clear attempt to build relationships within the guild. In many cases we could do one better and reward the person’s willingness to reach out by trusting that person with, for example, greater responsibility.

What follows are a few practical suggestions on how IVV has worked to create a community that trusts.

First Name Basis – This came about quite naturally for IVV because our core group knew each other prior to playing WoW together, so “Jon” came more naturally for my brother-in-law than “Manasseh” and the usage of real-life names carried over to other members. This can be a difficult transition for a guild that generally goes by character name, but it’s a policy that helps to foster trust within the guild as a whole. Using “real” names rather than character names to identify a person is humanizing and more intimate (without being uncomfortable). In a virtual world where anonymity is the norm, this is one small but important step toward developing an atmosphere of trust.

Member Pages – IVV has a dedicated forum for people to create an “About Me” page. It’s our own version of MySpace/Facebook (though many members also keep in touch through these social networking sites). We encourage members to talk about their interests/disinterests, their families, their work, their lives and frustrations. The posting of pictures is also strongly encouraged because it provides a whole new level of intimacy which demonstrates an increasing level of comfort and trust.

Responsibility – If you’re going to ask people to trust you (and the guild) you need to be prepared to act on that trust. You might be surprised to find how much there is to be gained by entrusting someone with even a small amount of responsibility. Ask a fellow member to take care of some task or another and let that person know that you’re “counting on them.” Even asking them to assist you with a task you’re undertaking can have the same effect. It’s shocking how much this can mean to someone, especially during those early stages of relationship-building.

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Jon Blevins is an officer of In Vino Veritas.

He's a pastor, husband, gamer and wannabe Jedi Knight.

He lives in Minnesota where the snow comes from.

Loot Wars

I have to admit, I don't understand the obsession with loot. In my world view, there's more than enough to go around. I dare to suggest that loot is unlimited and the only discrepancy is how often you get to try for it.

Guilds get into trouble when they approach touchy situations like "this player died and did nothing for the whole run, this other player rocked the house out and deserves this drop more." If a great piece of loot drops, do you give it to the failure or the success?

I have my own philosophy on that situation -- if the failure was good enough to get into your raid, they're good enough to roll on the loot per your loot rules. You don't get to switch things up just because you don't like how your rules work when you want to be biased. You hate it, then put a few exception clauses into the rules for next time but play fair now.

I really don't understand why guilds don't seem to have special rules for super-rare items. If a legendary drops and Proven Guild Hopper is rolling against Guy Who Formed The Guild, nobody's going to like it, but you don't suddenly say "Well, you helped, but we're not gonna let you roll." Not if the rules clearly state he can roll.

For goodness' sake, just change the rules before this stuff happens. Agree to handle legendary loot with a Loot Council and have done with it. Because that's essentially what people end up debating -- unplanned switch to a loot council for the most-desired items or no? The real issue isn't who deserves it but whether or not you're willing to undergo the stigma of being unethical by breaking your own rules.

And, yes, it's unethical. I'm sorry, but sometimes you have to hurt to learn, even if he really really really didn't deserve that drop.

Back in Burning Crusade, we farmed Gruul regularly and the Dragonspine Trophy (husband told me that this was the best melee dps trinket available) dropped about three times altogether for IVV. The third time, a few months before Wrath, our lowest dps performer (a druid) won the roll.

I felt the groans in officer chat.

"Rogue guy over there could have really used it, he's one of our best dps," my friend moaned and, since he was playing in the same room as husband and me, turned around in his chair and pretended to weep.

But they gave it to the druid because they knew it was important to be fair and treat everyone equally.

It is every guild's responsibility to choose which is more important: the people or the game? When you come to tough loot decisions, that is the call you inevitably make.

IVV believes that by treating the people right, the game will follow. We believe that a guild is only as good as how fair it's willing to be to its members. Fair is not always easy, and sometimes it feels a lot like unfair, and yes, you might be able to get by in spite of your choices, but you'll lose some really great people along the way.

Some guilds are willing to put up with those consequences.

Family guilds don't.

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Beth Blevins is a former officer in In Vino Veritas.

She's a writer, artist and avid blogger.

Beth's been married since her junior year of college.