Think Well of Me

Everyone has someone whose good opinion they desire. You probably want a positive relationship with your parents, children, friends, or coworkers, but every now and then you care about the opinions of people you shouldn't -- like a girl from my high school who tried to hang out with the popular kids in choir, but the popular kids just made fun of her; women who stay with abusive men; or players who choose to idolize others, regardless of personality, just for having the best gear.

It is almost impossible to stop caring what others think once you start, and it makes you try harder to be what you think they want. The only way to be completely out from under your own feelings is to stop caring altogether -- shut down and even get angry and convince yourself they're not worth it. Go on defense.

Except that it is normal and natural to care what others think. To not care about anyone is sociopathy. So the key, to me, isn't some hard emotional shell but learning to respect the opinions of people who will treat you with respect, who will build you up instead of tear you down.

A player should not stay with a guild, no matter how badly he or she wants its good opinion, if the guild does not offer (and defend) a healthy and respectful atmosphere.

Recognize destructive patterns. If you find yourself always craving the good opinions of people who hurt you, reroute your energy to getting to know different people. As you should very well know, appearances can be deceiving -- I saw a guy in the elevator who looked like he played Warcraft and thought "I'm dressed so normal, he probably thinks I'm one of those boring people who doesn't even know what DPS means."

Acknowledge your appearance. My mother is an image consultant, so I grew up knowing the perfect colors for my skin and hair. I had a distant affection for the kids who wore big boots, wallet chains, and black clothing to school, but as a preacher's kid I had little leeway to indulge in edgy fashion.

Growing up in a church-saturated environment with a beauty expert mom and a sort of quiet oddness, I've always known that appearances, whether it's green hair or green starter gear, force people to make assumptions about you. You can hate this all you wish, but it is a fact of life.

Now, most of you would never consider changing your RL style just to be "more accepted," yet we do change for people whose opinions matter to us. We let them talk us into getting better gear, farming mats, and we work harder because they encourage us to and improve our gear because we don't want to be the last one in greens when a Tier 8 walks by. We get self-conscious despite ourselves.

Give others a chance. A defensive nature may protect you from harm, but it also prevents real relationships from forming. Yes, if you're different people will pigeon-hole you the first chance they get, but a warm smile goes a long way toward saying "I might not look normal but I'm still a nice person."

Like Jon's post about saying hi -- sometimes it's those of us who are different who need to take the first friendly step. Differences can be intimidating, and there's nothing more reassuring than finding out that the orc in all epics is willing to sit and chat for a while about class mechanics, or the huge guy in homeroom with the tattoos is just a big teddy bear. Or even that the mom blaring heavy metal when she drops her girls off at school just wants to see them grow up happy, self-confident, and free.

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Beth Blevins is a former officer in In Vino Veritas.
She's a writer and cares too much what others think.
Beth's been married since her junior year of college.