Playing Favorites

As often as possible, IVV strives for fairness. We distribute loot based on random rolls, we rotate the undergeared for the overgeared just to make sure everyone gets a chance to play, we work to maintain a safe and enjoyable gaming atmosphere for all our members – from the most hardcore to the most casual. Sometimes this emphasis on fairness in the administrative aspects of the guild imposes itself upon the social aspects of the guild, most often in the form of this complaint: “People don’t spend as much time with other guild members as they do their friends/family.”

The fairness principle that our guild operates on mandates that everyone be treated with equal respect and consideration. While we believe this is a good and proper approach to administration, it can only be taken so far in relationships. The idea that a person ought to share his time equally among all members of a group is preposterous. It’s impossible, in fact. The very idea is framed by an arbitrary concept of fairness. Families don’t operate on the “fairness principle.”

Growing up, I had a “Granny” who lavished me with affection, praised my accomplishments and went out of her way to cook my favorite foods. I also had a “Grandma” who criticized me, made me feel unwelcome and gave preference to my older cousins. Is it any wonder that I preferred “Granny” to my austere “Grandma”? It oughtn’t be. I cared more for Granny and sought to avoid Grandma because of the way they responded to me… the way they made me feel about myself.

Likewise, when “Guildie” offers help, asks politely when he wants our assistance and strikes up conversations for no other reason than to find out how our day has been while “Guildmate” takes advantage of us, begs and whines and refuses to communicate clearly or effectively, we’re going to prefer one to the other. That’s normal. It’s not a matter of prejudice – which means to “judge beforehand” – but a matter of judiciousness – judging based upon evidence. We make choices on how to spend our time based upon the known, not the unknown.

I’ve said before that it’s right and proper for people to spend time with their friends and family. It’s appropriate for them to spend more time with this group than other people they aren’t as familiar with. Being comfortable with a group is no excuse for not reaching out, but being outside the group is no excuse for not reaching in either. It may sound stupid for me to say, but I feel compelled to state the obvious: People like likeable people.

The fatal flaw in the complaint levied by so many is that the moment someone begins receiving as much of someone’s time and energy as that person’s friends and family, that person has by definition become part of that “friends and family” group. The accusation is a moving target. Speaking only for myself, I’ve greatly broadened my social circle within the guild since I first joined and continue to expand that circle… not by embracing every individual member and burning myself out trying to equally be friends with everyone, but by reaching out to one person at a time.

The complaint that spurred this article assumes that I owe something to the speaker. As a fellow member of my guild, that person automatically has my respect, consideration and assistance. That is to say, I regard the person highly, always give them preference over non-members and help them any way I reasonably can to achieve their in-game goals. This does not mean that I owe them the time, attention and affection I offer my wife or my closest friends. Some things are given freely, others are earned.

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Jon Blevins is an officer of In Vino Veritas.
He's a pastor, husband, gamer and prefers Coke to Pepsi.
He lives in Minnesota, land of ice and... more ice.